ok...let's give it another try

Well I have never been very good with blogging.  I haven't ever had a set schedule for my life.  Which has come in very handy at times and caused difficulties other times.  As I continue to journey towards Christ I am attempting to create a regular time and space for connections with Him.  I am also walking through the Psalms with a great friend.  So I figured this would also be a good time to try to pick up blogging again.


My struggle is that too often I want to impress people with my thoughts and words as oppose to truly being who I am.  This has been brought to light to me over the last month as I have looked at the events that I am involved in and why I am involved in them.  So this time I will just write what is on my heart.  These thoughts may not be deep theological nuggets like my friends Levi, Jake and Jon may have but they will be true to who I am and my journey.


I began the journey of reading through 1 Samuel a couple of weeks ago. As I was reading the preface to it (in the Message) I was challenged to not allow God to be the decoration of my story.  Having him here and there to enhance the deeper meaning of my story.  Instead be led to see myself in God's story, He is the larger context and plot in which my story finds itself.  When I look for people to be impressed with my thoughts and ideas I am only using God as decoration.  How awful would it be for people to give credit to God for my deep thoughts?  Well as I continue through this book of Samuel I find myself relating to Saul.  Everything started out well, embracing and trusting God completely, only later to see self reliance appearing in my story.  In the scripture God removes His blessing from Saul and places it upon David.  Seeing myself in this story was not pleasant but the fact that I saw myself was encouraging.  I did not turn my eyes from it but surrendered it over to God. I began to echo the words that we will say next week as we take on ashes..."create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me."


Maybe this is too much maybe I shouldn't share my thoughts and struggles but how will ever grow if we are not true to who we are and where we are in the journey.  Tears well up in my eyes (which is awkward since I am at blackdog!) my desire is to be farther along than I am, my heart aches inside of me as I see this.  But none the less it begins today...again.  A fresh start, a new heart, eyes trimmed and focused on the direction in which I am set.  So here we go, I cry out to God to use me as I am and continue to mold me into who I am to be.